❖ Clerical Dialogue

Are you unemployed?

Yes, unfortunately, I haven't found a job yet.

Well, why don't you work like me? My job is profitable and requires no effort.

And what do you do?

I am a trader.

Nice! Masha'Allah. May God bless you. But a trader in what field?

I am a "religion trader." I upload videos on YouTube and earn thousands of dollars, I post on Facebook and also make thousands. And of course, don't forget the profit from Twitter—even if it's not much, it's still a source of income.

All of that is on one side, and the income from satellite TV channels is on the other. I've reached the point where I negotiate with channels to see who pays more.

So listen to me and become a cleric. All you need as capital is a turban, a gallabiya, a prayer bead (Rosary) in your hand, a miswak in your small pocket, and a few tears whenever we mention the Prophet's name. Or, if you want to be one of the "modern" Sheikhs, you don't need the turban or gallabiya; you just need a respectful suit with a tie and the cunning of a fox to lead and control the flock. Of course, everything you say, just pin it on the Prophet's back or say "the Ummah has reached a consensus," and people will believe you without questioning.

But what if I have to retract some of the words or fatwas I said previously?

Man, is anyone even paying attention?! As long as we warn them against using their brains, I promise you they won't notice. And if someone *does* use their brain and notices, just tell them: "Necessity permits the forbidden," or "The end justifies the means." Man, do you really need someone to teach you this?!

Everyone follows this principle. You'll find a cleric saying something today and the exact opposite tomorrow.

What if someone asks me an "out-of-the-box" question and I don't know how to answer? I'll look embarrassed in front of people.

First of all, no one will ask you anything from outside the box we've set for them. All their questions are: "Sheikh, what is the ruling on wearing long pants?", "Sheikh, how should I enter the bathroom?", "Sheikh, how do I perform ritual bathing?", "Sheikh, what is the ruling on someone who eats with their left hand by mistake?", "Sheikh, can a menstruating woman read the Quran?"

So rest assured, no one will ask a question that demolishes you. Don't forget that they fear using their intellect after we warned them; they believe thinking leads to atheism and destruction.

What if one of "those who shall not be named" sneaks in among them and asks one of those out-of-the-box questions?

You mean the Quranists?!

Yes.

Try to dodge his questions by talking in circles. If you can't, try to label him as an infidel (Takfir) in front of the audience. Accuse him of wanting to destroy the religion and spread secular, liberal, and Masonic ideas, or spreading vice in our conservative society. Invent any accusation. Of course, people will believe you and take your side against him—they might even kill him. But after all that, if you still can't escape his questions, then may God help you.

Wow, it's that easy!!

Of course it's easy. It requires no effort and is a source of income we couldn't dream of. That's why you find clerics everywhere you look.

So, as a start, what is your advice to me?

First and foremost, try to distance people from the Quran and push them toward the Hadiths. Minimize mentioning verses; if you can, don't read a single verse. Make all your evidence based on Hadiths and the sayings of old Sheikhs. If you want to forbid them from something, say: "The Ummah has agreed" or "reached a consensus" on its prohibition. And if you want to bluff them with a story from your head, just start with: "A trustworthy source told me..." then bluff as much as you want—just don't make it *too* big. Make it something believable and reasonable, not like that bluff from our friend who said the Prophet's mother was pregnant with him for four years!!

But I'm afraid of a sudden question if I say "A trustworthy person told me" or "The scholars agreed." What if they ask me: "What is the name of this person?" or "Who are these scholars, and where and when did they agree, and who gave them authority to speak for the Ummah?" What would I answer then?

Man, I told you no one will ask those kinds of questions. Honestly, these questions don't even cross their minds. That's why we're safe. This society has been running like this for over a thousand years. So relax. And if someone *does* ask that type of question, just tell him: "For a wisdom known only to God," and the matter ends. You'll find everyone starting to pray for the Prophet because of the "wisdom and insight" in your response.

What about debates with Quranists? What if I'm backed into a corner and have to debate one of them? what do I do then?

Debate?! You're really going to tire me out. What debate, Mr. Debater? Have you forgotten who you are? Your maximum limit is issues of menstruation and things that nullify wudu. Don't go believing you've become a scholar. "Debate," he says!

Then how do I respond to thinkers and intellectuals?

Those people... you don't debate them, you don't talk about them, and you don't discuss them until *after* they die.

How so?

I mean, after the thinker dies, that's when you tear into his reputation. Fabricate lies about him, misinterpret his words however you want, because he's dead and can't come back to defend himself, respond to you, or call you a liar. Find a famous thinker who dies, make a video about him, and you'll get even more famous because of him.

Target a specific thinker or anyone who disagrees with you and make response videos. If they sneeze, make a video responding to it. The more videos you make, the more views you get, and the more views, the more profit. But of course, a video of just you talking *about* him, don't debate him so you don't mess up. If you can't find a thinker, find anyone you can exploit—a football player, a singer, or an artist—and every now and then, throw a firecracker into society.

I don't follow!

I knew you were slow. Whenever you see your "market value" dropping and no one is watching your videos anymore, or your followers are decreasing, issue a controversial fatwa or say something provocative to become "trending." This will revitalize your market and make you the talk of the town. Of course, people are the ones who make fools famous. TV channels will scramble to interview you because of your controversial statements, and each channel will pay you a hefty sum just to appear.

What if someone who knows me sees me preaching to people, knowing I'm just a "scrounger," and wants to expose me?

What do you think your followers are for?!!

Meaning?

Your followers who listen to you and watch you—they are the ones who will defend you against anyone trying to doubt you or refute your ideas.

To them, you are a "Godly scholar," a polymath, and your flesh is "poisoned" (untouchable). Everyone wants your approval to win Paradise. Yes, you are a "scrounger" and not worth a penny, but that's just between us.

You'll find your followers responding to critics by saying: "Who are you to speak about His Eminence the Sheikh? What is your level of knowledge? You don't have a fraction of the Sheikh's knowledge, you aren't worth the Sheikh's shoe," and other things we've made them memorize—things they repeat without understanding.

But what about "those who shall not be named"? They won't leave me alone and will keep poking at me.

Fine, now listen to my advice to get rid of them.

Mobilize the people and charge them up against them. Warn the masses about them, fabricate lies, and exaggerate the issue. Always and forever, in every sermon and lesson, warn people about the terms "Quranists," "Secularists," and "Liberals." Show people that they want to destroy religion and the foundations of the Ummah, and spread atheism, vice, and indecency in our conservative society. Warn people against discussing anything with Quranists, label them as infidels in every sermon, and tell people to be hostile toward them. Issue a fatwa that debating Quranists is a misguidance that leads to Hell. This way, people will fear talking to them and stay away. We don't need people using their brains; as long as intellects are disabled, our market is booming and our trade is thriving. But as soon as brains start working, our business will go bankrupt. If you succeed in this, you're in the clear.