❖ Clerical Subscription Packages

Brother, why are you swearing, insulting, and cursing so much these days, even more than before?

Because I'm trying to use up the entire package before it expires.

Excuse me!! I don't understand, what do you mean?

I'll explain it to you, though God help me... I've subscribed to the "One Year Free" package.

I still don't get it. What is a "One Year Free" package?

It's a single day you fast in the year, and after that, God gives you a full year's subscription for free, without recording a single sin against you.

Are you serious or just joking?

I'm serious! Why are you surprised?!

And I wonder, was it God who told you this?

No, of course not. This is what my Sheikh told me. He gave me a narration and said the Prophet (PBUH) said it.

And did you research this narration to make sure the Prophet actually said it?

No, of course not. As long as the Sheikh said it, I don't investigate. I just put the responsibility on his shoulders and stay safe.

And does this package renew automatically every year, or do you have to renew it yourself?

No, it doesn't renew automatically. You have to renew it every year on the day of Arafah. My current package expires in a few days. On the day of Arafah, I'll fast, and in that case, I'll have renewed the package for a whole new year where nothing I do will be recorded.

What are the features of this package? Is it limited or not?

It's an "unlimited" package, brother. You can act out as you wish, and any sin you commit won't count. For example, if I insult and curse you right now, I won't be held accountable. But if you insult me, God will hold you accountable because you're not subscribed to the package.

Excellent! I'll subscribe too. How do I do it?

It's easy. In a few days, it's the standing at Arafah. All you have to do is fast that day, and the package is activated. Go ahead and enjoy your year to the fullest.

Great! I'm looking forward to fasting that day so I can start venting on people and not leave anyone safe from my mischief. I just hope I can wait until Iftar.

What does Iftar have to do with it? 🤔

Didn't you say that activating the package for a year requires fasting the day of Arafah?

Yes, that's correct.

Well, fasting ends at Iftar time.

Oh! Did I not tell you?

No, you didn't!!

Really? I didn't mention it?!

By my mother-in-law's head, you didn't.

This package doesn't just cover the coming year.

What else?

If you activate it, you also win the erasure of the *previous* year. This is from God's generosity. But for safety, don't commit sins until after Iftar, because life is uncertain and you might die before Arafah ends. It's not right to meet your Lord while you're disobeying Him.

Are there other subscription packages besides the "One Year Free" one?

Certainly. For example, there's the Ashura fasting package.

And what are its features?

This package only erases the *past* year.

So all packages work on erasing sins!!

Of course. And there's the "Ayat Al-Kursi after every prayer" package.

And what are its advantages?

This package gets you into Paradise the moment you activate it and die.

How so? I don't understand!!

Meaning, if you read Ayat Al-Kursi right after you finish your prayer, once you die, you enter Paradise immediately.

And there are packages that don't get you into Paradise directly or erase sins, but they build palaces, houses, and palm trees for you there, which you receive once you enter, God willing.

Want me to tell you about the "Grand" one?

Sure, what is it?

No, you won't believe me.

On the contrary, I will.

If you perform Hajj, you return from your sins as the day your mother gave birth to you. It's like a "Factory Reset." This package is a bit expensive, but honestly, it's worth it because its features aren't available in any other package.

May God reward you and feed you a bird.

But you haven't told me, brother: since you'll have a whole year where your sins won't be recorded, do you have a plan to benefit from this package fully? I mean, do you have any thinkers, enlightened people, philosophers, or anyone who disagrees with you in religion and methodology to insult, curse, and mock? If you don't, tell me, because I know many and I insult them constantly since the sins aren't recorded.

I definitely have a plan, and it's a beautiful one.

Masha'Allah! Excellent. With whom will you start?

I'll start with you.